Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents