Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?