Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.