Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
You Might Also Like
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
If my kids invented a drink.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.