Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

My mom texting me from an anime convention

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.