Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Wedding planning is organized crime.