Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
You Might Also Like
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
emergency phone
