How did people charge their phones before electricity?
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*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”