@ThisLocalHater

Hate it when I try to make a snow angel and it turns out as a pentagram instead

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@redhotirish75

My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..

@EffdotEss

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

@itsmovies

In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.

@Ooft_Headshot

Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.

@curlymalloy

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

@ozzyunc

We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.

@sammyrhodes

I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.

@Social_Mime

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

@famouscrab

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

@Darlainky

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.