kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
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The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals