My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..
Hate it when I try to make a snow angel and it turns out as a pentagram instead
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When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.
Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.
I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.