Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
You Might Also Like
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”