Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
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Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]