Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

NOT all policemen are strippers.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise