Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

🤣😂🤣😂

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP