Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?