Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
