Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”