Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
