Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
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Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.