Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Confused owl: What?!
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
