Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Bring back the McRib
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5