Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
#Caturday
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣