Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

Baller is short for ballerina

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”