@Bownuggets

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

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@JediGigi

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

@Jason_maybe

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

@JediGigi

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

@shariv67

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

@DocAroundThClok

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

@DanielKostadino

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

@juliussharpe

Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.

@MythicPicnic

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

@robotmouthfarts

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

@SentenceReduced

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.