Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
You Might Also Like
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.