Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

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Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.


The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.


If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.


You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem


DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*


My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?


Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.


Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.


Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized

Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t


SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait