Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
You Might Also Like
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I’d … I’d rather not.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Perfection.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”