Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant