Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.