Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.