@WheelTod

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

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@ravenswng_

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

@cafchaosgrace

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

@KissabiX

God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?

Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off

@sarcasticmommy4

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

@cm_rutvik

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@withanewname

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

@Elizasoul80

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.