Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
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robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Love is a battlefield. And I fight naked.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳
Fridge you’re coming to my room.?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.