@WheelTod

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

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@BucMarvin

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

@LeBearGirdle

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

@TheCatWhisprer

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

@RuinMyWeek

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

@ShawnHatosy

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

@simly01

Long distance relationships sucks 😳😳

Fridge you’re coming to my room.?

@3sunzzz

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.