The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?
Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.