hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I’m not average. I’m mean.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
