hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
😂🤣😂🤣
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
