Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2022 be like

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.