Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

Europe. Made in Germany.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it