hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Name this drama.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
As a doctor, I can confirm
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
mom had nothing to worry about
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”