hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
😾
