hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 馃槴
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I鈥檝e tried to bring it down thinking they鈥檙e my reading glasses
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I鈥檓 a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Well, it鈥檚 finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it鈥檚 coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN鈥檚 Website
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
A woman just dropped a 拢10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it鈥檚 the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
If Home Depot doesn鈥檛 want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn鈥檛 be playing Gloria Estefan.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”