hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.