hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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yes, those are my real potatoes.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day