hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Canadian owl: Eh?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.