Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

My work here is don’t.

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.