hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public đ«
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Do I believe in angels?
I donât know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Itâs because you are feeding them bread Karen.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
âMmm, this is delicâŠshit, the flavorâs gone.â
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*me talking to a couple* so whoâs the 6 and whoâs the 9?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because heâd gotten himself a dog.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Itâs 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. Youâre embarrassing me. Youâre a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: Iâll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Iâm at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
âItâs a girl!â but itâs just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, âlizard-hippedâ species like Apatosaurus and âbird-hippedâ species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
A parakeet that wonât shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didnât say you could stop.
Itâs not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jimâs lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Billâs house, or that thing in Aunt Janetâs nightstand.
Thought Iâd surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachiâŠboy was she surprised.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I wouldâve used our 6yo as a shield.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isnât gonna be a good day for you
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Me: making cup noodle because itâs ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I hate saying âI told you soâ so Iâm just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action⊠And opened another register
âŠ@XplodingUnicornâ© LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. đđ
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: âman, if you havenâtve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.â
dude 2: âyea, i was actually hoping you wouldnât respond so that i could go to bed.â
both: âwellâŠ. shit.â
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.