hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 馃槴
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My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
When people say I don鈥檛 mean to brag they鈥檙e bragging about not bragging.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You鈥檙e welcome
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I鈥檓 gonna order later isn鈥檛 here yet?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
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Breaking news:
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i鈥檓 thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Just ran into my therapist and she didn鈥檛 recognize me and I鈥檓 not sure who I鈥檓 supposed to talk to about this
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it鈥檚 working
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it鈥檚 a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I鈥檓 still dicing onions.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.聽
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”