Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Just a friendly reminder!

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.