Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken