hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Hmm, not sure about this change
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”