My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
You Might Also Like
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this