Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

Every damn time

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

Talk about a bad egg

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

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The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”