Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.![]()
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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
this chia pet tastes awful
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
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The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.