Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

I’d … I’d rather not.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

whenever i wake up before my alarm

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart