Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉