Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.