Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?