Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

the chicken was already gone when I got here

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house