Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
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When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance