Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
everyone has that one prude friend
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.