Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY