hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
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i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.