hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
You Might Also Like
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”