hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
🤣
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.