hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits