Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.