hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
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*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Well, that didn’t work.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”