hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
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me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”
What the hell happened here.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?