@dearjhonletter: hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min
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@brokeOclock: Me after learning something literally 5 min ago: Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
@NicestHippo: Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can't a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Some coworkers sign emails with "cheers" or "sincerely" followed by their names but I typically use "you've made a powerful enemy today."
@KKAlThani: Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that's just my onion.