hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min

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All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”


I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.


My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.


I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them


Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*


Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.


I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.


Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.


4-year-old: What does God smell like?



Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?


God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then