Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
You Might Also Like
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.