A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Very good news from my accountant
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-