Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
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For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Math at Halloween.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
My first son he is wonderful
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no