Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*lint rolls you awake*
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.