hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
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Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.