hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
You Might Also Like
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.