Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

me

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”