Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

With a text.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

the three branches of government

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women

Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.